Manlet.TV Pilot

(Jared Kirk Johnson – better known to his friends as J-Rad – is getting ready for the day. He is brushing his teeth, camera is zoomed in to show his dedication and intensity. The song ‘du hast’ by Rammstein slowly fades in. As he spots his toothpaste into the sink basin, camera pans out slightly to show how jacked he is. As ‘du hast’ ends and J-Rad finishes gargling, the camera pans out to show that J-Rad is standing on an M. Heimbach brand milkcrate. Dramatic violin music replaces metal. Cue arbitrary British narrator.)

Narrator: J-Rad is a (dramatic pause) manlet. He wants you to know that a manlet is not a midget, because midgets are never swole AF, based or redpilled. This is J-Rad, and this is his life. This is (dramatic music interlude) True Life Manlet Nationalism. (Fade to black.)

(Fade in, slowly. Sound of crashing weight plates is heard before screen focuses. Cue British narrator.)

Narrator: J-Rad is driven in everything he does. Because of his height disadvantage he was unmercifully mocked and ridiculed, until by sheer rage he took control of his life. And now he is about to attempt a PR – that’s personal record- in the deadlift. The deadlift: a manlet’s best friend, according to a study by three blind mice sponsored by tall folk.

(J-Rad has since paused and is staring into the camera, he is wearing three lifting belts and knee sleeves, staring with sheer disgust. For the first time he speaks, with a thick New York accent.)

J-Rad: (angrily) Yo bitch, I can hear you alright? Get outta here?

(Fade to black. Short pause. Fade in. J-Rad is chalking his hands, as the white cloud clears he has moved into position, gripping his barbell. With a primal roar he shrieks and the veins in his neck bulge, a trickle of blood leaks from his nostril and his doorag catches on fire. But J-Rad jerks himself straight up, and the weight rises off the ground as he struggles, howling. And he stands, triumphantly holding the weight before him, and then sinks back down violently with the weight. Such a crash ensues that one hears objects falling off shelves in the apartment below, a woman’s scream is heard and then silence. Soon another, angry voice cries out, a woman’s voice but not the one who screamed.)

Concerned Roommate: (enraged) Goddamnit Jared Kirk Johnson! You’ve given Stacey another concussion again!

J-Rad: (angrily) yo, fuck you! Don’t call me by that name, that’s my slave name. My real name is J-Rad!

(Slow fade out, Grieg’s morning mood fades in as the scene prepares to change. Cue narrator.)

Narrator: Despite the odds, J-Rad has just finished a dealift weighing in at 1,488 pounds. And though he suffers adversity from every angle, he never lost faith. He never lost faith for the five reps he completed this morning before breakfast. What DOES the breakfast of champions look like? Let’s find out.)

(Camera fades in and zooms onto J-Rad who is seated at his kitchen table furiously typing on a keyboard. Screen zooms in on what he is writing: it’s a response to a criticism of his online persona. Anon: ur prolly a gay manlet. J-RadiusMaximus_1488_Crusher: no u.)

Narrator: Being an online manlet is hard work, it marks you out as different and makes you a target for hate. Jared was guilty only of calling an Anon a “pussy” for supporting the wrong economic theory, only to be viciously discriminated against for his crippling height disability. (J-Rad stares hatefully into the camera, camera pans out.)

J-Rad: (angrily) Yo Siri, tell that fuckin faerie-winkle to come over here and fight me at the curb!

Siri: (confirmation sound effect) I’m sorry I don’t understand your request.

(J-Rad says nothing and punches the laptop in half before throwing it out the window. Stacy’s scream is heard following the sound of splintering electronics.)

Concerned Roommate: (furiously) what the actual fuck, Jared! Again? Do you, like, hate women or somethang?

J-Rad: (screaming) Shut up ya breedin stump, I’m a Supreme Gentleman!

(Camera fades to black. Camera fades in on J-Rad as he kneels on a young adult’s back and holds his teeth on the curb reminiscent of that one scene from American History X everyone knows.)

J-Rad: (sounding tough) Never shoulda come here.

(Camera zooms in on J-Rad’s victim, the young man is a skinny nerd with the words “punished n00b” written on his forehead in red sharpie.)

Nerd: (choking) that’s a Skyrim reference, you’re just a self-hating Sperg, you asshole!

J-Rad: (laughing) I eat spergs for breakfast! (Stands up and lifts his right foot.)

(Camera fades to black as a sound not unlike a watermelon being smashed between a rock and a hard place is heard. Cue narrator.)

Narrator: The life of a manlet is a hard. It is nasty, brutish and, dare we say, short. But J-Rad is strong, and he is not bucked by the prejudice of a world that doesn’t understand what it means to be a manlet. But being a manlet is hungry work, and even Jared has to stop to eat.)

(Camera fades in to show J-Rad on his Heimbox, standing on his tippy toes as he stirs a kettle. The camera fades in just in time to see the silhouette of a hand slide into the kettle, enveloped by steam. Camera fades out and in to show J-Rad at his table, eating a breakfast sandwich. As he shows, an audible crunch is heard. J-Rad swishes his gums and spits out a broken tooth and wedding ring.”

J-Rad: (chewing) Tastes like victory. You believe that fuckin asshole? Told me NatSoc wasn’t the path to victory, told that asshole I’d punch him right in the NazBols.

(Fade out. Fade in on J-Rad walking down the staircase of his apartment complex. Camera slows as dramatic music ensues. J-Rad stops at the landing and begins talking to a man in a dark pink cut off gym sweater with “ouch!” on the chest, ludicrously tight bright green jogging pants and white Air Jordans, the man has a blonde faux hawk.)

J-Rad: (arrogantly) S’up Chad, whatchu got for me?

Chad: (averting eye contact, bends down and pulls cash money from his sneakers) H-h-here, it’s all I have. I-I was gonna use that for Stacey’s concussion meds… But… You should have it.

J-Rad: (ignoring Chad’s pleas as he counts the cash) Hundred bucks? Ain’t very Chad of you. I think Stacey deserves better.

Chad: (sniffles) I know.

(Camera fades out. Fades in on J-Rad walking down the side walk, focusing on his platform shoes and the fact that passers-by are standing head and shoulder over him still. The camera pans left and shows that J-Rad is walking even though he owns a brand new truck. Cue narrator.)

Narrator: In the life of a manlet, enterprise is king. Though Jared has bought 6 new trucks this year, he drives none of them, because he can’t reach the pedals without stilts. He keeps them parked in line along the whole apartment block, forcing old women and children to walk a mile uphill both ways in the rain. This is what he calls a flex: a gentle reminder to his lessers that he will always be better than them.

(Camera fades out. Fades in on J-Rad as he stands next to a disconsolate woman with a pixie cut died blood red.)

Sad Karen: (wailing) my poor kitty! He’s been culturally appropriated by that tree! How are you going to overcome your male privilege and solve my problems when you’re so short? (Pauses to drink from a capris sun pouch labelled ‘cool aunt’s lil helper.)

J-Rad: (approaches tree) Ain’t you worry man. (J-Rad grabs tree and shakes trunk violently, disoriented cat falls out of tree and, being so fat, bounces several times before landing on feet – hissing and swatting. Before cat can flee, J-Rad snatches it up with lightning speed and dashes it against the tree causing it to explode in a shower of kibbles and boxwine. J-Rad turns to the shrieking woman and booms) DRINKING AIN’T TRAD! (J-Rad storms away, camera fade out.)

(Camera fades in, J-Rad is still walking but stops before an alleyway. A woman’s scream is clearly heard. This time not Stacey’s. J-Rad takes off running. Camera fades out. Fades in on scene: young goth woman, generously endowed, is being overshadowed by LeRoy Watermelon. LeRoy is clutching her purse. J-Rad leaps into action, and with swift and terrible violence subdues LeRoy. Smiling, panting, J-Rad hands the woman back her purse )

J-Rad: (winking and nodding) How’d you like to go out with a real man?

Goth: (wrinkles nose) so… Let’s pretend you didn’t just totally hatecrime my boyfriend… You’re short.

J-Rad: (perplexed) But he was robbing you!

Goth: (rolls eyes) hello, duh! Consent isn’t part of his culture. That’s wakandan royalty, you bigot. I’m calling the cops.

(J-Rad runs away. Camera fades out. Camera fades in showing J-Rad stopping to pick up lunch with his shakedown money from Chad. He’s standing next to a little old lady holding two nearly identical boxes of cereal.)

Grandma: (confused) Do you know why these two boxes cost different?

J-Rad: (politely) Yes ma’am, of course. You see the little k in the circle?

Grandma: (slowly) Yes…

J-Rad: (patiently) That is a kosher seal, there’s over a hundred kinds. Each one attaches an extra subsidy to your grocery bill so that religious communities don’t have to pay for their own certificate. Over the course of your lifetime you have spent at least a year’s pay in kosher tax.

Grandma: (gasping) My God! Someone’s got to DO something!!

J-Rad: (proudly) there’s an app you can use called Koshertify… Let me see your phone, I’ll help ya.

Grandma: (frowning) I ain’t have one of them faggy little cell phones, back in my day… (Camera fades out.)

(Camera fades in on a small house. Camera tracks inside where J-Rad stands as he hammers a nail into a stud. He is using a 4lb sledge nailing in 6penny nails. Cue narrator.)

Narrator: Manlets frequently outperform their peers due to their need to overcome adversity. J-Rad owns and operates a thriving company where all 13 employees are Jared himself. This is a man who literally wears many hats. Currently he is wearing his framing hat, but will soon don his finish hat before hanging drywall. What is truly incredible is that Jared has built this entire house in a mere 3 hours! A job that would have taken a normo-vertical crew of 13 men 50 hours! But Jared has done all this, before his first lunch break.

(Fade out. Fade in on J-Rad in camouflage warpaint stocking the woods with a crossbow. Cue narrator.)

Narrator: Many men of greater height and paradoxically lesser stature have no compunction simply ordering takeaway, and increasing the burden on the healthcare system. But not Jared. Jared is a self-proclaimed “based manlet” who has taken the “Nugent Pill” which means he only eats what he kills.

(Camera zooms in on several frightened mothers and their curious children as J-Rad stalks the pavement swinging his how around. Finally he spots a deer which has obviously escaped from the zoo outside the park. Unflinchingly he draws his crossbow and fires. The arrow hits the deer in the left eye, causing a geyser of blood which pools out into the driveway as a slick. The puddle spreads out under Stacey whose heavily cosmetically engineered body is clothed by a hospital johnny and her roommate/inhome caregiver as they’re returning from the hospital. Stacey trips, performing a backwards summersault and cracking her head on a nearby monument to women’s liberation.)

Concerned Roommate: (picking Stacey up and checking pulse,) Goddamnit it Jared! If this is another concussion I’m going to sue!

(The bleeding deer has escaped, J-Rad begins hurling insults at the roommate. Camera fade out. Camera fade in on J-Rad standing in front of recently finished house. Cue narrator.)

Narrator: Although the cruel intervention of vertico-normative society thwarted Jared from seizing his lunch, an empty stomach could not stop that manlet legend from achieving his goal. With his customer’s house finished, Jared can go home knowing that while he may only be half the man that women want to date- he is roughly 14 times the man that date women. (Fade out.)

(Camera fade in on J-Rad walking with his tool bag. A man in a crisp black suit approaches.)

Suit: (hands J-Rad a file) Jared Kirk Johnson? You’ve been subpoenaed.

J-Rad: (angrily) why? I ain’t done nothing!

Suit: (squinting at file) Linda Jo, Stacey Roberts’ power of attorney, is suing for emotional damages on her and Stacey’s behalf. You have 8 hours to appear before court. (Fade out, sound of gavel.)

(Camera fades in on Jared on trial.)

Judge: You stand accused of emotional slander, and causing Stacey Roberts brain damage from repeated instances of gross slapstick coincidence. How do you plea?

J-Rad: (smirking) Not guilty!

Judge: You may summon your defense.

J-Rad: (smugly) I ain’t need no goddamn defense. That broad was dumber ‘n a stump when I met her, and her roommate’s a snowflake. I rest my case.

Judge: (looks at jury, who all nod gravely) We find the Defendant… (Drumroll) Not Guilty! (Judge crashes gavel so hard it explodes into shrapnel which pierces the jury, causing them to pass out.)

(The camera zooms in on Jared as he walks out of the courtroom , whistling Dixie to the sound of Stacey drooling and her roommate howling. Fade out.)

(Camera fades in on J-Rad, now dressed in a hoodie and sweat pants. Du hast’ again begins to play as J-Rad addresses the camera.)

J-Rad: (shrugs) it was an okay day. Wicked standard, but whatever. But now it’s time for nighttime workout. Can’t say no to my second amendment and flex these mutha-humpin gunzz. (J-Rad flexes his 33in biceps, proportionally twice the size of his head.) First I gotta mix my supps. Being a purely natty lifter, I only use the finest German Creapure. (J-Rad climbs up onto his Heimbox and looks along the counter’s length. He begins to shake.)

(Norman Bates murder screech drop plays as the camera shows J-Rad glancing up to the top shelf of his pantry where the creatine stands. J-Rad screams.)

J-Rad: (going blind with hate) Yo what the fuck? Where’s my goddamn stepladder?

(The sound of vengeful harpy laughter wafts up through the floor vent. Stacey’s roommate has had her revenge.)

J-Rad: reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeêeeeeeeeëeeeeeeeeeēēeeeeèeeeeéeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeêeeeeeeeëeeeeeeeeeēēeeeeèeeeeéeeeeeeeēēēēeeeeeêeeeë

(Fade out, cue narrator)

Narrator: This has been the sad day in the true life of Manlet Nationalism. Here are men unstoppable only by the absence of vertical assistance. (End du hast’, fade to black.)