LOATHING & SADNESS

A Tragicomedy in Alt Right MINOR

High Noon. Balmy. A park, focused on a particular sidewalk bench. A gentle, yet steamy steamy breeze pushes trash down the streets as if it were tumbleweed. A man in peculiar yet highly specified camouflage and a woman in intentionally mismatched bougie urban duds happen to seat themselves at the same time. They each regard eachother with suspicion. In the distance the city sponsored News agencies blare the News, one word soundbites for their pleasure. “Putin. Putin. Putin…” over and again for great effect. 98% of society trudges by unaware of the weight of the News upon their backs. Our story falls on the deaf ears of the 2% who embrace the weight and are lovingly smothered, nay squashed by it, as if between warm defiling sheets of happiness and clandestine joy.

Oh my.

The man, whose camouflage was retooled from an old Rhodesian pattern to encapsulate his love of anime girls while remaining unseen by the ANC, leaned back into the chair and simultaneously cracked six beers, inhaled his vape and watched an infuriatingly obscure manga between YouTube fitness videos he clearly did not adhere to on account of his bitch-tits and lady pooch, on his phone while loudly ignoring the possibility of ever engaging with society in any meaningful fashion. “It’s the Jews, man,” he told every passerby who spat at his shoes and ran away. “Cool bro,” he would answer in their wake, and change his YouTube to the next cripplingly unappealing anime/fitdouche combo.

The woman in the intentionally mismatched threads, up to and including but not limited to; chunky boots, ridiculously floofy scarf, obnoxious square glasses, tamtam looking beanie hat, faux-obscure media referencing t-shirt under plaid flannel, striped skirt over (((cat))) yoga pants, taco knee sock combo… sat back in her chair and furtively listened to a dubstep remix of the sex noises of Martin Luther King ejaculating his civil rights into a White hooker with a Black eye set to heavily synthesised recordings of Malcolm X being black. “Isn’t this like, so deep?” she asked every unwitting passerby who sped up to get by her.

The two glance curiously at eachother.

Both: [simultaneously] Putin. OMG, shut UP. Putin? Putin! Wow, we have so much in common.

Urban Trash Hoe: [leaning in uncomfortable close with hot boiled tofu breath] Like, don’t you wish Putin was, you know, as eeevil as they say? [she asks as he hand hovers over her hot crossed bun.]

Camo Cuck: [pre-existing heavy breathing intensifies] oh yeah… [he says as Gwen Stefani plays on his phone and he leaks Vril-Ya into a special collection pouch for his mason jar collection.]

As fate would have, and because my patience is thin, a dwarf with down-syndrome came running wildly by carrying a strange urn. The downie, distracted by a poster depicting a Bear and an Eagle fighting an epic battle inside of a cage within a rollercoaster, stopped. He saluted, without offering context, and in so doing, dropped the urn, which in cracking, rolled towards our unintrepid heroes. The retarded dwarf squealed and snatched the urn and began to waddle-run away.

Camo Cuck: [bolting to his feet, jiggling] Hey man, eugenics woulda fixed you!

Urban Trash Hoe: [making compassion noises, loudly] PLZ let me LUV U!

The down-syndrome midget casts his darting eyes about nervously, but is struck by Camo Cuck’s rock of the day and simultaneously love bombed by Urban Trash Hoe who rips the poodle from her purse and throws it away to make room for her new pet whose humanity does not figure into her brainless predisposition toward surrogate maternity. The urn falls and, being made of subgrade Chinese ceramic, shatters before it lands. Smoke, and then… But then… a Genie! Wow! The genie emerged from the bottle and demanded to know their one wish.

Both: [in retarded unison] Oh, I wish – I wish Pooty-Poots was everything the Media says he can be!

Genie: [raises eyebrow like America’s favourite Specific Islander, Dwayne It’s Not Steroids Johnson] …would you like to wish for world peace? A funny cat video? ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS?

Camo Cuck: the fuck’s a million gonna do? My student loan interest is 2mil… bcuz j000000000000000000000000000000000000000z dooooooooooooood. (!)

Urban Trash Hoe: Yeah! I mean, ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS isn’t even enough to be reparations for a single STUNNINGBRAVEAFRICANOMGLMAO living in California RIGHT NOW zomg.

Genie: [proceeds to chug a handle of straight gin like a real man] Look I know it’s like trying to shut down an old Windows, but ‘are you sure you want to do this?’

Camo Cuck and Urban Trash look at each-other with starcrossed eyes. They look back to the genie with cartoo drool streaming from their half-open mouths and, like egg-bloated hens caw “YES.”

Genie: [having quaffed the remaining gin cannot quite snap his fingers, and instead open-palm slaps a down-syndrome midget whose job it was to love his urn while he was out so no one could steal it] Presto Fuckoff! [the genie cries desperately and disappears into a cloud of chronic, which both Camo Cuck & Urban Trash breathe in deeply.]

The smoke of the genie’s leaving slowly passes, revealing the corpse of the genie who, having died of acute onset alcohol poisoning, was hovered over by the down-syndrome midget whose lightswitch brain had switched from obnoxious retard love to terrifying retard strength and began smashing park birds with the urn and painting the word “give me back my door greeter job automata” on the walls of every partition. As the massive cloud of chronic enveloped the park, the radio began to experience audio distortions. “Putin.Putin.Putin…” took on a higher pitch, until static swallowed it and spat out the words

Intelligible Newscaster: my fellow Americans, I come to you this afternoon with troubling news. Following social upheaval in Moscow, Vladimir Russianname Putin has reinstated himself as Defacto Dictator of the Unipolar Eurasian Duginspire, having paradoxically absorbed Dugin in what appears to be a Japanese fusion dance – as is his birthright. This new final boss curiously slant-eyed Caucasions has been dubbed Razz Putin by the media and is already immune to poison, bludgeoning and disco. He is accompanied only by his new advisor, whom he recruited from Trump’s old twitter fanbase on 6Chan – the illustrious Grand Comrade of the Nazbolganggang Revolution, Baron Lord Kikeslammer_88. Razz Putin has declared his intentions to destroy America and nothing else. Because he is an entirely 2 dimensional and probably fictitious social construct purposefully misinterpreted by global media outlets to perpetrate a bloated war budget and avoid admitting that hideous mistakes were made in WWII on the part of the Allied axis of infallible decision making processes. Wow. Amazing. Such grace and winning. Greatest generation. Nothing wrong. Fascism bad, etc-etc.”

Camo Cuck & Urban Trash look deeply into each-other’s eyes and, as the city chronic is fused with the smoke of Russkie Superdooperfrigginwickedsonic Missiles, they proceed to suck face and moan. In the wake of their fuckery, a curiously and inexplicably British narrator with the sex appeal of Rod Serling comes forth.

Britbongerator: [Bri’ishly] It’s. So. Fvcking. Over.

…

…

Fade to Stunning & Brave, cue the National Anthem of BATCHROOM Appreciators